How do I live in a world without Mom? She has ALWAYS been there. No matter what kind of trouble I got into, I knew my mom was praying for me. I probably wouldn't even be alive today if my mom hadn't been in constant prayer for her children. And now she's gone. Just gone. When I want to make no-bake cookies, I can't call her to get the recipe cause I lost mine. I'll probably never make another Texas sheet cake again, cause I can't call Mom for the recipe.
I just feel so all alone. Hopeless. Helpless. Watching her die was pure torture. And she knew she was dying. What do you think about when you're just sitting there waiting to die? Why didn't I ask her what she was thinking? For us, the family, she tried to pretend everything was fine. When we begged, she would deign to play a game of dominoes with us. You could tell her heart wasn't in it, though. We bought her crossword puzzle books, word search puzzles, finally coloring books and crayons. She just couldn't concentrate on any of them. She just sat there, waiting to die.
And then she died. And something in me died.
First time in my life I saw my daddy cry, when he found out she was dying. A few times while she was waiting to die, he would lose his composure for just a few minutes. But after Mom's funeral, in front of all those people in the church, while he was talking to the preacher, he literally broke down crying. That is a mental picture I will never be able to erase. It broke my heart to see my daddy cry. Now, as I mourn Mom, I also grieve for my daddy. He loved her so much. The loved each other for 70 years. How will he go on without her? How will I? It hurts so bad.